A BRIEF AMERICAN HISTORY

PART I

Now that I find myself happily married with three energetic kids, fully immersed in the life I had almost envisioned for myself, I’ve noticed that my children are beginning to ask a multitude of questions. They are eager to learn about the country they now call home, and their curiosity seems particularly piqued by the rich and complex history of America, especially during the turbulent 1800s and the transformative decade of the 1960s—the very decade of my birth.

America, unlike any other nation, possesses a storied past that could easily fill a library the size of Rhode Island. Within its history, we find a tapestry woven from both remarkable achievements and tragic failures. As I ponder over these past eras, I recognize the importance of sharing this knowledge with my children, to help them understand the world around them.

Reflecting on my own educational experience, I readily admit that I was not a particularly engaged student. The school felt more like a prison sentence than a place of learning. Each winter morning in Michigan was a struggle, as I begrudgingly pulled myself out of bed, only to approach the classroom with a sense of dread. The historical facts I was taught seemed disconnected from my reality, and I found it exceedingly difficult to see how the lives of long-gone kings and presidents could matter to me. To me, the true world was one of toil and bills, where the events of the past felt like ancient history, irrelevant to the pressing concerns of everyday life.

Now, however, as I consider my children’s future, I recognize the need to shift my perspective. For their sake, and to provide them with the context they require to navigate their surroundings, I am committed to penning this brief history of America. It will be an accumulation of all the lessons I gleaned—however reluctantly—throughout those twelve long years of schooling that often felt filled with redundant facts and meaningless trivia.

I hope that through this biography of the United States, my children will find the answers they seek about their nation’s past, gaining insights that will inspire them to think critically about the world they live in. This endeavor is not just about relaying historical events but also about helping them comprehend the foundational stories that have shaped a dynamic and complex country, so they might grow into informed and engaged citizens of their own.

During my time in school, the moments I truly came alive were during recess and lunch breaks. Those brief interludes were like a breath of fresh air, a release from the confines of a classroom that often felt stifling. The rest of the time, I found myself drifting in and out of consciousness, caught in a haze of boredom as my mind wandered to more appealing thoughts, such as what delicious meals my mom might have prepared for dinner. The bell signaling the end of the school week at 3 pm on Fridays was the single highlight of my week, a moment of pure joy and relief as I could finally escape the four walls that limited my imagination. My attention in class was sporadic at best; my thoughts frequently veered into daydreams, often fixating on the charming and vibrant girls in my classes. It was hard to focus when those captivating figures often outnumbered the boys, and my youthful mind was preoccupied with what I considered “innocent” musings, notions of romance and connection. The conversations around me primarily revolved around subjects long since resolved, topics that seemed more like relics of a past unworthy of our attention. I often wondered why we weren’t being taught the essential skills of adulthood, like transforming a modest sum of money into a substantial fortune, or, more crucially, the art of eloquently expressing affection and engaging with the beautiful women who seemed to float effortlessly through our school halls. Instead of practical lessons for navigating life, I recall trudging through rain or snow to learn about a man named Isaac Newton, who, according to our history books, somehow ignited food fights and suffered the improbable fate of being struck by a falling apple, all while making groundbreaking discoveries that would change the course of human civilization. Yet, to grasp the full complexity of American history, one must journey back several millennia, long before Newton’s apple made its fateful descent. The deeper layers of our past, often overlooked and waiting to be explored, held a wealth of knowledge and understanding that was crucial to truly grasping the foundations of our society.

Once upon a time, about 15,000 years ago, Indigenous Americans we now call Indians arrived from Asia and began populating the North American Continent. They lived, laughed, smoked tobacco, played with feathers, and raced Buffalo across the vast plains. The Buffalos were too fat to run, they skinned and feasted on, and built tipis from their hide. Those happy years would soon be interrupted in the year 1492 when a man named Christopher Columbus fled Spain to avoid having his penis cut off for multiple rape charges and sailed the Pacific with his chosen army of degenerates. After months of being lost at sea, he came upon an island in the Bahamas and stopped to ask for directions. He decided to proudly plant his discovery flag, but the Indians assured him that a man named Leif Erikkson had already discovered this land 500 years ago. This pissed him off, and he went crazy and started raping and slaughtering everyone there. They drank and partied all night on the drifting ship called Santa Maria Claus, and sailed unknowingly into the heart of the Bermuda Triangle, never to be seen again. 70 years later, after the onslaught by Christopher the rapist, the Indians would welcome a Spanish sailor on September 8, 1565, named Pedro, along with his crew of Jehovah’s Witnesses carrying religious pamphlets in Florida. They walked and knocked on every tent trying to promote their newfound religion, but that only annoyed the Indians. To shut them up, the Indians offered them a piece of land, which Pedro named St. Augustine, after the famous theologian and philosopher who raised and raced Hippos on his farm in what is now known as Annana, in Algeria. St. Augustine was the first permanent settlement in what would soon be called the United States of America. Sadly, a catastrophic plague would hit the native Americans in 1618 and wipe out 90% of the population. Smallpox and other diseases and germs carried by the conquerors who never bathed, or washed their hands after relieving themselves, dwindled the Indian population enormously. And the conquerors just kept on coming. Another group of Jehovah’s Witnesses called the Puritans, were kicked out of England for knocking on too many doors and pissing people off. They sailed across the Atlantic in April showers and arrived in Plymouth on a ship to May Flowers. History would later mistakenly name that ship, The Mayflower.

PART III

The years rolled by, and the countries of Britain, France, and Spain decided to play war games on the North American continent to show who had the biggest cannon. In the middle of the chaos, people continued with their simple life of farming, fur trading, and discoveries. People like Benjamin Franklin, who was not only a kite flyer but was also a polymath, who was active as a writer, scientist, inventor, statesman, diplomat, printer, publisher, and political philosopher. Sadly, he was struck by a bolt of lightning while flying his kite one day and discovered that electricity can shock you. On March 5, 1770, a British soldier walks into a Boston bar and orders a cup of green tea. The outburst of laughter from the drunk Americans inside the bar could be heard for miles. A bar fight ensued as the British soldier was mobbed by the drunk gang, and it all quickly escalated into a chaotic, bloody slaughter. This is known as the Boston Massacre and would energize and pave the way for the American Revolution. Meanwhile, in Boston, another punch of alcoholics, known as the Sons of Liberty, learned a ship was coming from Great Britain bearing only Tea and not liquor. They got good and drunk one night dressed up as Indians and waited patiently for it to arrive. When it docked, they boarded the ship and destroyed all the Tea chests, then proceeded to dump all the Tea in the sea.

They decided to keep the green tea, and would later roll it up and smoke it. Before leaving the ship, they dropped their pants and urinated all over the docks denouncing the British Empire. History called that night, The Boston Tea Party. Their act of heroism would inspire the writing of The Declaration of Independence, from the pen of Thomas Jefferson, in 1776, and would state with fine words and poetry that America is old enough now, and no longer requires tea-drinking babysitters. The British were very pissed and sent warships and the Revolutionary War was on.

A Rebel gang known as MS13, which represented the 13 original Colonies, prepared for war against the British Tea Makers, and demanded they stop shipping tea, and instead, start transporting liquor and beer. France saw an opportunity to profit from their fine wines and decided to join forces with MS13 entering the war in 1778. The Americans had no idea of what was happening until a horse jockey named Paul, the Reverend, was out shoeing his horse one night and saw the fleet of ships in the distance. He quickly hopped on his horse at midnight and rode through town yelling, “The British are pissed! The British are pissed!” MS13 became more courageous and stronger fighting while intoxicated off the French wine, and with the help of a great general and Dentist, named George Washington, who was famous for making dentures out of wood, they crossed the Delaware River on a cold and blistering day and attacked the British soldiers who were vandalizing and peeing on the decorated Christmas trees lining the forest of New Jersey. With the help of France and fine wines, the British surrendered in October 1781, and America would go on to claim victory. By July 1782 the British troops began to leave United States soil, and America became a proud nation of Indians, immigrants, and drunks. The Bald Eagle was adopted by Congress as the national bird, and on April 15, 1783, the Revolutionary War came to an end, as King George choked on his tea declaring, “The Thirteen Colonies as “Free and Independent.”

September 17, 1787, the Supreme Law was written, known as the Constitution of the United States of America. It gave every man, alien, immigrant, and drunk the inalienable right to make a fool of himself. The document is worded in simple English, but everyone seems to disagree on the meaning behind the words. This document goes on to cause panic, lawsuits, riots, and war. But it is now law, and a new leader is elected unanimously on February 4, 1789. George Washington, who never lied, and sported wooden teeth, became the first President of the New Nation. In 1791, the Bill of Rights was introduced. It guaranteed the people the freedom to live well, excel, repel, sue well, and raise hell, even if you’re an infidel. America was the place to be, and soon the entire world would crowd the oceans seeking its liberty.

PART IV

The 1800s ushered in more territory and America kept getting bigger and bigger. With Thomas Jefferson now president, he placed a bet on a wrestling match between a French midget wrestler named Napoleon, and a fat Spanish woman wrestler for the Louisiana Territory. Napoleon won the match and would go on to become a General in the French Revolution. Wanting America to be even larger, Thomas Jefferson ordered two hitchhikers Lois and Clark Kent, to go west and search for more land to buy. As they traveled and got lost in the open wilderness, and forgot where they parked their wagon, they were met by a pregnant salmon-eating Cherokee woman named Sacagawea, from the Idaho tribe, who guided them back to where they had parked. She joined them on their expedition and showed them areas with the best chance for value and long-term equity. Thanks to the guidance of Sacagawea, Lois, and Clark Kent returned to Thomas Jefferson with the deeds to the lands they explored across the western lands. Sacagawea would go on to give birth to a healthy medicine man and inventor called Geronimo, who would later go on to introduce the world to penicillin. Thomas Jefferson was not in the best of moods upon their return but kindly thanked them for their tiring journey. His Vice President, Aaron Burr, was in a heap of trouble and facing charges of treason and murder. Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton began feuding and calling each other names. Alexander Hamilton was one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, and Burr was not. Hamilton was an influential interpreter and promoter of the U.S. Constitution, and Burr was not. Hamilton was the founder of the nation’s financial system, the Federalist Party, the United States Coast Guard, and the New York Post newspaper, and Burr was not. All the jealousy culminated in Burr killing Hamilton in a duel in 1804, while he was still Vice President. Although dueling was illegal, Burr was never tried, and all charges against him were eventually dropped. Nevertheless, Hamilton’s death ended Burr’s political career. More turmoil would plague the new America in the early 1800s as Britain declared war on France led by Napoleon. Britain would kidnap thousands of naturalized American sailors in the seas; they would make them wear fancy dresses and make-up, and use them as human shields against the attacks of Napoleon’s cannons on their British vessels. This would anger America and the War of 1812 would begin. The War of 1812 would hit close to home in northern Michigan, as the Siege of Fort Mackinac became the first major land engagement of the war, and ended in an easy British victory. Britain produced nothing but useless Wars and gave the world a useless thinker, and perhaps a plagiarizing bloke by the name of Charles Darwin during that period in the 1840s. Darwin defined evolution as “descent with modification,” the idea that species change over time, give rise to new species, and share a common ancestor. “That biological evolution occurs as a result of natural selection, which is the theory that in any given generation, some individuals are more likely to survive and reproduce than others.”

But nobody at that time told Darwin that 900 years before he was even born, three Muslim scholars already mentioned all that. Al-Jahiz was an eighth-century zoologist from Iraq known for The Book of Animals. Al-Beruni, who lived 800 years before Darwin, believed that “man ‘migrated’ through the ‘kingdoms’ of minerals, plants, and animals ‘to reach perfection and therefore contains within himself the nature of the creatures of the other realms.’ Ibn Khaldun, a 14th-century North African Muslim thinker wrote, “It started from the minerals and progressed, in an ingenious, gradual manner, to plants and animals … the animal world then widens, its species become numerous, and, in a gradual process of creation, it finally leads to man, who can think and to reflect.”

The 1840s ushered in a new President, James Polk, who happened to read a quote by the rising author Mark Twain. Mr. Twain said, “Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.” Polk thought long and hard, and mumbled to himself, “Why buy when I can take by force?” And the Mexican War was looming on the horizon. America and Mexico went to war over two rivers, the Rio Grande and the Nueces River. Mexico claimed that the new border between Texas and Mexico was the Nueces River, while the United States contested that the border was the Rio Grande, which lies further south. Americans loved fishing, and they were not gonna allow a bunch of flaming Fajitas to get in their way. As Mexico started amassing troops on the border, half of the U.S. population had no idea what was happening. The majority were against it, and some of my idols living at the time protested the war. Henry David Thoreau, for example, refused to pay taxes and viewed the war as a plot by Southerners to expand slavery into the Southwest. James Polk declared war on the weaker nation, and America became seven States bigger, claiming New Mexico, Utah, Nevada, Arizona, California, Texas, and western Colorado. Mexico lost the war and was not all that bitter. What made Mexico the laughing stock, and what pissed them off was, a year later in California, gold was found, a lot of gold! And the Gold Rush of 1848 sent shock waves across the entire globe. Thousands of people from the Sandwich Islands (Hawaii), Oregon, Mexico, Chile, Peru, and China headed for California in the summer and fall of 1848, before Americans on the East Coast had a clue of what was to come. Europeans would soon follow. Millions of dollars were dug from the dirt once owned by Mexico, and the Fajitas were left holding their roosters in the dry and barren Sonoran Desert. Zachary Taylor is the celebrated hero and would go on to become President. He died sixteen months into his term. The escalating tensions of Slavery tarnished the growth of the New Nation, and there was no end in sight. Throughout the 17th and 18th centuries, people were kidnapped from Africa and exploited to work as indentured servants and labor in the production of crops such as tobacco and cotton. Slavery was mostly in the Southern States and was never widespread in the North. America was growing, but it was the darkest of times, and even more darker days would come, as the Nation would be split in two.

PART V

The 1850s decade was relatively quiet with some new inventions, like the sewing machine to the delight of all the women. The first elevator is installed by Elisha Otis on Broadway in New York City. Post, the American cereal manufacturer, is born. The first railroad train crosses the Mississippi River on the first bridge constructed, and Moby Dick, by Herman Melville, is published. The US population is now at 23 Million, with 3 million living in New York alone.

Back when I was in school, the majority of the babbling by all my teachers always brought up the Civil War. Classrooms were filled with pictures and books about Robert E. Lee and Ulysses Grant. Abraham Lincoln was on every wall in the entire building. Even in the bathroom stall, there were cartoon drawings referring to that Era. When the time came in class to discuss the Civil War thoroughly, I jumped up and asked, “Why is it called the Civil War? And how can a war be civil?” And with a surprised look, the teacher yelled, “Hey, how long have you been sitting there? I didn’t see you come in.” I never asked any more questions or participated in class. And from what I remembered about the Civil War in the time I was in class, and not observing voluptuous girls, was bits and pieces. The war began when the North invaded the South to escape the cold weather for the warm beaches and sunbathing women of the South. In the North, the cold winters were hard to bear and snow just kept on falling. In those days with wooden homes and no electricity, the winter nights were treacherous. The South was not prepared for battle and didn’t know how to fight one, so they started sending Negro Slaves to the front lines to see how many will be killed, and they were horrified at the number of casualties. They would quickly surrender to the North abandon the women and sandy beaches and begin to flee East.
As they settled in the East, they started racing their horses with the Indians but kept on losing. But thankfully, the Pilgrims arrived one day in Plymouth with a ship full of Lipizzaner Stallions from Spain, and the East would never lose a horse race again. That pissed the Indians off, and they started beheading all the Lipizzaner Stallions. And all the beheadings will, unfortunately, lead to another senseless war that history calls, “Cowboys and Indians.” The first photographs of the war between the Cowboys and Indians were taken by Amelia Earhart, who had just taken off to do some crop dusting. She witnessed firsthand the slaughter of those poor feathered Brownies and felt so helpless to help them. You just don’t bring a bow and arrow to a gun and powder fight. Amelia would eventually disappear but be later found in Mexico giving flying lessons. She would later retire and open a taco stand in Mexico City.

We learned how Abraham Lincoln went to a car show at Henry Ford’s theater, and after the show had ended while walking home, he was hit and killed by a Model T driven by a drunk driver named John Willy Booze. John Booze would eventually have his license revoked and was sentenced to home arrest in his barn, where he became a tobacco farmer and writer. It was in that barn where he wrote the story, “Our American Cousin,” which would later be turned into a famous play and performed in sold-out theaters in China and Russia. Unfortunately one night, He was so drunk, he rolled a big doobie from all the tobacco and tried to light it. The barn caught on fire and he died in the blaze. Hatred and chaos will increase in the coming years with the birth of the Ku Klux Klan in 1866. The formation of the KKK crippled the nation and pissed a lot of people off, mostly African Americans, but who it greatly annoyed the most, were the housewives who kept finding their bed sheets damaged or missing. The damaged ones had two eye holes cut through them. The only good thing that came out of the 1860s was the purchase of Alaska from Russia. The price…$7.2 Million. That’s two cents per acre. Much like Mexico losing California with all the gold, Russia would cry even louder when oil was discovered in Alaska years later. Between 1870 and 1900, over 400 million acres were stolen by the United States, mostly in the West. Mining, ranching, and farming would draw waves of settlers from around the world, and the building of cities followed. In 1875, Levi Strauss helped to dress them in fine jeans. Alexander Graham Bell would pave the way for the telephone and prank calls, and Thomas Edison followed by stealing ideas from Nikola Tesla with electric generators and phonographs. The typewriter is invented, and to the gleaming eyes of the outlaws, the Winchester rifle is introduced. Jesse James and the James-Younger Gang announce themselves to the whole nation as they engage in the first successful train robbery in the American West. This will inspire a young kid named Billy to create havoc across the once-serene Western front.

Meanwhile, the Indians continue waging battles in their backyards, as the Battle of Little Big Horn occurs when George Custer and his U.S. Cavalry call the bluffs of Cheyenne Indians. All 264 members of the Cavalry and Custer perish in the battle. The arrows flew and a brave Indian leader on a kamikaze stallion, named Crazy Horse charged, and the Indians routed the American military. Eventually, the Indians would be defeated when the Sioux chief Sitting Bull, finally stood up and led his tribe from the reservation and surrendered to the United States troops in Montana.

When the Earp brothers were feuding with the Clanton brothers, and name-calling got old, Billy Clanton went to the cemetery and peed on Nicholas Porter Earp’s Tombstone, who was Wyatt’s father and decorated Mexican-American War hero. This infuriated the Earp brothers and they wanted revenge. Wyatt Earp needed help, so he called his good friend and Doctor, who was on Holliday at the time but quickly returned to assist him in the famous shootout at the O.K. Corral in Arizona. The shootout would only last thirty seconds, but Billy Clanton would pay the ultimate price for the desecration of a Tombstone. He dies along with the McLaury brothers. A year later, in April 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death by Robert Ford, who was tempted by a $5,000 reward on Jesse’s head. Robert Ford would invest that money, as it would grow over the years, and help his future son, Henry Ford build the first automated car factory. To thank America for graciously embracing their French Fries, France sends the Statue of Liberty across the ocean and it’s proudly set in the New York harbor.

PART VI

The 1900s kicked off the first automobile family trip in the United States from San Francisco to New York, and not a single man stopped to ask for directions. Sadly, at the beginning of this decade, America witnesses the Galveston, Texas hurricane, which kills 8,000 people. It remains the most deadly natural disaster in American history. Months later, to the painful cries of the Mexicans, the first major oil discovery in Texas occurred. The first Rose Bowl is held, between the University of Michigan and Stanford. My home state of Michigan won the initial contest 49-0. On October 1, 1903, the first World Series between the Boston Americans and Pittsburgh Pirates was played. Boston wins 5-3 in eight games.

As the 1900s passed, inventions preoccupied the stirring minds. The Wright Brothers were out to prove the world wrong, as they witnessed a Kitty leap high trying to catch a Hawk in North Carolina. They realized that if cats can attempt to fly, so can man. While their parents were away, they dismantled the kitchen and coffee tables to build an airplane. Once completed, they called other kids from the neighborhood to push them off a small hill, while the brothers occupied both seats. They would float down for twelve seconds, and the age of flying was born. A couple of years later, a very smart man from Germany would shock the world with his famous equation. Albert Einstein’s formula, E=Mc2 would change the world and introduce the ways of energy. It translates to…When you wake up in the morning, the body requires “Energy”(E). To get that energy, you need to drink a cup of “Milk”(M) and eat “Two Carrots”(C2). This formula helped strengthen the American household, and contributed to the sports world, as the first perfect game in Major League Baseball was thrown by Cy, who was very Young at the time.

Unfortunately, more sad years would continue to plague America and turn once happy laughter into tears. To this day, there are no logical theories as to why fully grown men and women would just wake up one morning and start crying for no reason. Women didn’t bother to keep themselves looking beautiful and broke every mirror in their homes. The streets were littered with broken glass and makeup. All the men were too depressed to notice or pay attention anyway. Children cried and refused to visit the playgrounds. There was no more ice cream because companies were too heartbroken to continue producing the summer delicacy. No pets entered any homes to be loved and cared for, because people had no feelings and lost all hope in living. All the toy stores and amusement parks closed, and the world came to a standstill. The only people who survived and benefited during this sad period in time were the Psychiatrists. They were in very high demand and would have long lines of people outside waiting to be seen. This sad era in America would be known as “The Great Depression.” And just as it came with no logical explanation, it would one day miraculously disappear and people were laughing again. The sun shone brightly on America, and happy faces cried with joy. Pets made their way back into the hearts of people. Women were boasting about their beauty again, and mirrors and makeup were in high demand. The men and women partied all night and day and started consuming more alcohol than water. On the breakfast tables, milk was no longer used in cereal, only alcohol. Alcohol filled the garages, cabinets, and refrigerators of every American home. Revelry and drunkenness’ ensued, and America was entering into yet another dark and sad episode. Spousal abuse became so common, that all women lived in fear. Kids were being struck for going to bed early, and for eating too much spinach. Cats were being completely shaven down to their skin and tattooed with happy faces on their bodies. Dogs were tied outside and used for target practice to prepare for the upcoming hunting season. Men lost their minds to alcohol, as marriages declined and divorces spiked. It took a very strong woman named, Harriet Tubman to step up and complain to the government to take action, and they finally did. The government would vote to ban the use of alcohol, and “Prohibition” was passed.

As life looked promising in the years that followed, it only took one Idiot, named Gavrillo Princip, a Bosnian student, who decided to assassinate the King and Queen of Austria-Hungary, and the First World War began. As World War One raged on, 128 Americans decided to take a cruise aboard a British ship. They partied and drank so hard, and the music was so loud, that a German Ship in the area fired a warning shot to make them stop all the noise and ruckus, but unfortunately, the torpedo struck the ship killing all aboard. This was called the “Sinking of the RMS Titanic.” America was neutral at the time but was now very pissed, and they joined in the Great War against Germany, Austria, and Italy. It eventually ended like all wars usually do, with only dead bodies, roughly nine million. Peace lasted twenty years, enough time for all the nations to produce and replace the weapons and bombs exhausted in the First World War, and the measuring of the penises started again. This time around, in World War Two, they managed to harness the power of the moon, as nuclear power was invented. Once again, America declared its neutrality and wanted no part of it. America was happy and living life. Watching TV shows and sports. Barbecues in every yard, and their children laughing. Charles Lindbergh flying his kite in St. Louis. And in September of 1941, Ted Williams ends the season with 4000 passing yards. Americans were just simply happy to be alive, until one crazy day in December 1941.

Japan was a lonely and small Island, it resembles a deformed penis just drifting alone in the vast ocean. Their prized sport is Sumo Wrestling, and their delicacy is Sushi. To the Americans, Sumo Wrestling appears very boring, unlike the hard-hitting American style where bodies are crushed and blood is spilled. Americans called Sumo Wrestling a foolish ballet dance between two fat pigs that can barely move. And real Americans don’t eat raw fish, they catch it and grill it until it’s brown and tasty. American disrespect for Sumo Wrestling and Sushi was broadcast all over Tokyo, and the Japanese suddenly became angry and hostile. As television started to make its way into American homes, Japan appeared before the United Nations assembly and presented its new resolution against America. In it, they demanded its beloved sport be televised and respected in America like baseball games. They suggested that Sushi should be served at least once a week, preferably on Fridays. But America turned its cheek and laughed with a thunderous roar. On December 7, 1941, America was not laughing, but asking, “What the hell just happened?”
In the early morning hours, Japan destroyed an entire fleet of fishing ships in Pearl Harbor, and America had no choice but to declare war on the Empire of Japan. Now for Japan, there was good news and bad news. The good news was that Franklin Roosevelt suddenly died in office. The bad news- “Iron Balls” Harry S Truman is sworn in as President. In August 1945, Iron Balls Truman authorized the use of Nuclear Weapons and dropped a bomb on Hiroshemale, and one on NadaSushi. Both cities were decimated, and the whole world would witness firsthand the power harnessed from the moon. After witnessing the destruction and many lives lost, Japan surrendered and officially withdrew its UN resolution against the United States.

Besides McDonald’s being founded, a black woman refusing to give up her seat in a taxi, and a boring Korean War, the 1950s decade slowly passed in boredom. The only good thing that came out of the ’50s was the first color TVs would go on sale, so people could leisurely watch the Honeymooners and not Sumo Wrestling.

PART VII

Since He was created, nearly 700,000 years before the creation of Adam, the Devil was allowed to physically roam freely on Earth in the 1960s. The Devil had one hell of a time, as planes crashed, walls went up, race riots began popping everywhere, assassinations every other year, military invasions, and if not for the newly elected President, John F Kennedy, and his handling of the Cuban missile crisis, World War Three was on the horizon. Besides the Cuban problem, Kennedy tried to quell the Race issue and the growing Vietnam problem, but the Devil had other plans. In November of 1963, Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas and it was the Devil 1, Peace 0. Being wise and elusive, the Devil sends the Beatles to America to get their minds off things, as He continues planning. While people were occupied with Beatlemania, race riots broke out in Watts, California causing damage and deaths. The U.S. military begins bombing HoeSheMean and HoeNo, in Vietnam. The Devil 2, Peace 0. People became depressed and couldn’t even enjoy the first Super Bowl played (Green Bay 35-10 over KC). More race riots broke out in Newark and Detroit, with tremendous damages and hundreds killed, and Martin Luther King, the peaceful Civil Rights leader, would preach and teach people how to sleep longer so they could accomplish more in a dream. On one eerie morning, the dreams end, and the beloved dreamer is assassinated. The Devil 3, Peace 0. Robert Kennedy, John Kennedy’s younger brother, tried his luck in politics but was killed by Sir Han, who was just newly knighted by the Queen of England. Besides the rocket launch in July of 1969, and Neil Armstrong’s Adidas first set foot on the moon, the Devil swept the entire decade. The decade into which I was born, that dark and miserable decade of death.

Though I greatly detested school, I’m thankful for the time it provided for me to take naps since I didn’t sleep much at home. I’m mostly thankful for the young voluptuous girls outnumbering the male population, which infused the beauty of poetry in my soul. I’m the type of person who doesn’t get surprised very often, but when I ended up flunking history, it came as a shock to me. But I miraculously made it through and got to wear the blue gown and hat proudly. I thought long and hard through the summer about a future profession and career, but I couldn’t decide between being a History Teacher or a Professional Sleeper.

This is where I must end this Lesson in History, and the kids can Google the rest.